I’m sorry…

that I didn’t like my grandpa when I was 5 because he’s, well, a member of the male species, basically

that I carved my name into our entertainment center in kindergarten

that I was a bragger in 1^st grade

that I wrote my name in the reading rocket after we were told not to.

that I complained of my friend being a bossy, show-off, know-it-all, snob in 3^rd grade (though it kinda was true, so I hope you aren’t reading this, because you’ll know who you are…don’t be surprised if I don’t sleep in my bed tonight)

that I hated the kids I had to tutor in 4^th grade (even though some of them were kind of mean)

that I told my friends ever thing they said that was mean about each other during their giant war that I was stuck in (but the councilor was right, it wasn’t my fault, do you even know the meaning of the term “peer pressure” or what about “point of tears”, the song “ nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna go eat worms”, all apply to situation,. Plus, we were all really dumb in 5^th grade. And I’m pretty sure you don’t HATE each other, but you’re just WAY to much alike, no matter how much you don’t believe me. Actually I had made up restraining orders to keep both of you away from me, but it wasn’t really a problem since you already hated me so much and trust me if I could redo that year, I’d do it much better)

that I was jealous for not having as many friends as the rest of class in 6^th grade, for being left out, etc.

that I told on my friend for cutting her self (though I swear I would have had a heart attack if I hadn’t told SOMEONE and I went home crying that day and I prayed for her (which is something I normally don’t do) even a MONTH after she stopped)

that I DIDN’T tell anyone more than my friend about the cutting, I should have told somebody else. I WAS scared for my life, threats follow through where I live

that I’m making excuses

that saying I’m sorry can’t fix anything

that even while I’m writing this I’m listening to I So Hate Consequences by Relient K

that I am making a list of things to be sorry for.

that more people don’t know that I’m a butt face

 

Okay, I’m sorry

I’m just…I’m sorry and I can’t fix anything

I make mistakes

You can pretend like you don’t but it doesn’t help anything

***

Okay, and on a more embarrassing note…

I had dance today and my mom just got here from CA,so she took me

she told me I should try to take another class and I told her I wasn’t good enough

but me and my friend were already planning to ask about taking a private lesson together

so my mom wen tin and started talking to the teacher and OF COURSE mentioned that I didn’t think I was good enough

and the teacher said that I was really good other than my arms

but I wasn’t paying attention at that point because everyone was looking at me

and then my mom mentions “development” in girls

and so while my mom and ballet teacher are discussing that and my confidence issues I’m getting stared at

overall today has been very embarrassing

***

MY CONFIDENCE ISSUES

~~I don’t think I would have issues with my confidence if anyone actually told me I did something right.

I mean, my sisters are always getting told how good they are at stuff and when I do something right it’s just like, yeah, so what?

Like when I was little

Addie, my sister, and I were doing cartwheels in the backyard.

THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION TOOK PLACE

(don’t ask me how I remember this)

Mom:Addie, you should take gymnastics! That was wonderful!

Me: I can do a cartwheel, too!

Mom: *laugh* that was horrible! (really she said that I’M NOT LYING)

Or more recently

Mom: Alice got an A on her math test, Bells, isn’t that wonderful?

Me:: *gives high five to Alice* Good job.

Mom: So, what have you been doing?

Me: Well, I passed all of my finals. I’ve memorized my piano song, I’m the only one who can play our band song, well, the only one who chooses to play it, really, I shouldn’t be first chair, *second chair flute name here* is better, she’s playing the piccolo , now. Becca’s getting pretty good at Algebra., too.

Mom: Where did you say Addie was?